I am so incredibly sad and full of regret today. Today is the first year anniversary of the death of my brother, Jimmy.

My Brother Jim

When I received the phone call last year, Jan 7, 2009, that my brother had died in a terrible gun cleaning accident. I was actually in my bedroom packing to go back east and visit my family for the first time in 21 years.

I hadn’t even spoken to anyone the whole time other then my one sister who found me on myspace the year before and we started talking online. I have terrible anxiety and panic attacks when I start thinking of the past and going to visit and such. My doctor gave me some xanax and told me to go and see them, which is what I was on my way to do. However it ended up being my brothers funeral that I attended instead of a family “reunion”. The day of his funeral was my birthday,  Jan 12.

I have so much guilt built up inside of me from not telling him that I loved him and missed him before he was gone. We always think that we have all the time in the world to tell someone that we love them and that we care. But in reality live is short and one never truly knows how long any of us have.

To get away from my childhood problems, I ran also from my brothers and sisters which wasn’t fair to them at all. It wasn’t their fault.

Please tell me, how does one deal with such regret?